Standalone Essays · Character and Virtue

Emotional Competency

Human beings are wired for a vast spectrum of emotions. From the heights of love and joy to the depths of hate and sorrow — and everything in between, like acceptance and zest — our emotional landscape is rich and complex.

Ideally, these emotions should guide us toward ethical and constructive action. Each feeling has its appropriate context. For example, while hatred is often seen as negative, isn’t it appropriate to feel a righteous anger toward injustice? And while jealousy is typically discouraged, isn’t it valid to feel outrage when trust and marital boundaries are violated? Similarly, while we must avoid being driven by vengeance, a measured response that seeks accountability and establishes clear consequences can be a healthy part of maintaining fairness and teaching valuable lessons.

The challenge for many of us is that we often struggle to even identify what we’re feeling. By the time an emotion becomes clear enough to recognize, it’s frequently already spiraling out of control. We wrestle with whether anger is permissible, or we feel tormented by our inability to forgive, questioning if forgiveness is even appropriate. This confusion, often compounded by guilt, can leave us oscillating between resignation and explosive rage.

There are four steps we need to take when processing our emotions.

1. Identification

If we don’t have the emotional vocabulary to identify and verbalize our feelings, how are we to process them adequately? Being capable of putting your finger on how you are feeling about a given situation can often lead to answers to your problems.

2. Regulation

We must not allow our emotions to rule us. While we are absolutely permitted to feel them — and often, we have little initial control over that initial surge — we are not obligated to act on every feeling. For instance, we can feel anger without letting it drive us to destructive vices. We can experience profound grief and sorrow without allowing those feelings to lead to self-harm. Recognizing that emotions are largely physical responses — chemicals released by the brain to facilitate certain reactions — empowers us to take responsibility for disciplining our bodies and minds toward responses that are right, honorable, and healthy.

3. Formulation

We need to determine what is the best thing to do about this feeling. Do we need to reconcile ourselves to the issue? Do we need to speak out about it? Do we need to act on it? What is actually best, not only for us but for the others involved?

4. Communication

When necessary, this means speaking your truth openly, honestly, and compassionately to the appropriate person. The goal is always to ensure your communication is constructive, contributes to understanding, and fosters resolution or peace as much as possible.