Universal Core of Ethics

Standalone Essays · Leadership

Minimizing Gossip and Criticism

There are people whose negative behaviors — spreading misinformation, fueling division, and constantly criticizing others — can be deeply destructive. They often accuse others of bad motives, subtly revealing the state of their own hearts. You may notice that when such a person leaves a group, the conflict and arguments soon peter out. When dealing with these individuals, you don’t have much chance of changing them. The best you can do is get away from them and set firm boundaries.

But there is one person you can transform — you. While you can’t control what other people do, you can certainly make profound improvements in your own character and speech.

Part I: Focusing Internally for Personal Transformation

The true and lasting path to minimizing negativity is through self-mastery. The following actionable steps will help you change your habits and thought patterns.

Be Personally Accountable

Take a deep look at the attitudes you hold and the comments you make, whether in person, when away from the object of your scorn, or online. Admit the times you’ve gossiped or criticized in the past, and take active steps to correct the damage done.

Take the time to meditate on the advantages of quietness and wholesome speech. Release any pride or fear that is obstructing you from making the changes you desire. Be open to correction and guidance, particularly from people you admire or who exemplify self-control in their speech. This could be either the living or the dead.

Active Goodwill and Forgiveness

Reflection and mindful action can guide personal growth. A mindful approach to self-examination and planning fosters clarity and progress.

Therefore, intentionally focus goodwill toward people you have hurt — either purposely or inadvertently — by speaking negatively about them. Wish them well and think about ways you could counteract any damage you may have done. Also, focus goodwill toward people who have hurt you in the past through their negative words about you. Forgive them. This is not about engaging with a divinity, but rather about gradually retraining your mind away from negativity and toward positive, wholesome mental habits.

Meditate to Identify Triggers

Examine what tempts you to speak negatively. Who are you most likely to engage in gossip with? Are you prone to peer pressure in a larger group? Are you more likely to engage in this kind of thing when you’re tired? Analyze this tendency until you can come up with a strategy to deal with your particular proclivities. Often, negative speech stems from insecurity, a desire for attention, or a misplaced effort to bond with others. Identifying the need you’re trying to meet with gossip is key to finding a healthier outlet.

Part II: Focusing Externally for Setting Boundaries

Be Mentally Prepared

Always be prepared for the possibility that someone may try to engage you in a negative conversation about someone else. Memorize phrases you can use to gently and politely redirect them to something more useful. You will rarely be forewarned of a negative attack by a habitually negative speaker. Get a trusted and emotionally mature friend to role play with you. Practice what you will say when approached with critical talk or gossip. This will enable you to speak wisely and lovingly as a reflex.

Practice Discernment

When someone approaches you and begins talking negatively about someone, try to determine the speaker’s motivation and encourage accountability by asking discerning questions such as:

In my experience, those who are merely gossiping will soon backpedal and find other, more amenable people.

Verify the Facts, but Be Slow to Speak

Juicy tales about another person can be very seductive. Know that you should never accept what someone says about someone else as true without checking the validity of the statements yourself. And even if the statements are true, cruel words create unnecessary strife. Remember that the goal for dealing with people who have erred isn’t finger pointing, but transformation and restoration.

Understand the Consequences

Realize that participating in negative conversations harms you equally. It stunts your growth toward your ideal self. It damages your reputation among the good and the wise. Gossip, criticism, and negativity can create confusion that can lead to deception.

Don’t Fight Fire With Fire

Use positive words to heal when confronted with destructive, negative words. Respond to gossip or criticism with encouraging words about the person being talked about. Ask the person spreading the negativity to join you in figuring out how to help the person about whom he or she is talking.

Be Bold

Be bold when confronting people who want you to listen to gossip or criticism. Remember that the consequences of listening far outweigh the awkwardness of taking a stand against the negativity. The speaker’s feelings may temporarily be hurt, but you will be helping the speaker more than hurting him or her. As you do, be as gentle and respectful as possible. Keep your conscience clear so that even if people gossip about you, the truth will soon out and they will end up ashamed of their ill intent.

Ultimately, taking a stand is a moral duty. As Abraham Lincoln once observed, “To sin by silence when they should protest makes cowards out of men.”

Make Preemptive Strikes

Be proactive about speaking positively about others and strive to do so as often as possible. Think of it like this: weeds grow in your garden wherever the soil is conducive to their growth. You have two choices: you can either work every day pulling weeds, or you can amend your soil so that weeds just don’t want to grow there. Speaking in an uplifting manner consistently changes the tenor of the team. It makes it less likely for the seeds of slander to sprout. At the very least, if they do, they won’t bring it to you!