Standalone Essays · Character and Virtue

Ten Rules That Should Govern Our Conversations

The way we talk to and about others shapes our relationships and our world. These ten principles are designed to help us communicate in a way that is constructive, kind, and truthful.

1. Avoid unnecessary negative talk

Don’t speak ill of others just for the sake of it. Sharing negative stories or gossip, even if true, can be a form of schadenfreude — taking pleasure in someone else’s misfortune. This type of communication often says more about our own insecurities or rivalries than it does about the person we’re discussing. If you must convey negative information, do it constructively. Share it only with someone who has the responsibility, knowledge, and willingness to act on it for the other person’s benefit.

2. Speak truthfully and verify information

It is harmful to spread information that is false or misleading, even if you don’t know it’s untrue. In the age of social media, it’s easy to pass along rumors and memes without checking the facts. This can contribute to a culture of misinformation, hostility, and prejudice. Before you share, take a moment to verify what you’re saying.

3. Consider the consequences of your words

Even when what you say is true and well-intentioned, your words can have unintended negative consequences. Before you share sensitive information about someone, consider the potential for physical, psychological, or financial harm. If you tell a mutual acquaintance that your friend found safety at a domestic violence shelter, that information could inadvertently put your friend in danger, even if your words were meant to praise her courage. A simple test: if you wouldn’t feel comfortable telling this information to the person’s face, don’t gossip about them.

4. Don’t embarrass others, even as a joke

It is unkind to embarrass someone, whether in person or by telling stories about them when they aren’t around. These stories, even if meant as harmless jokes, can undermine their dignity and trust. Only share stories about others with their explicit or implied permission.

5. Remember that communication isn’t just verbal

Harmful communication isn’t limited to spoken words. It can also be conveyed through written messages, body language, and innuendo. The internet creates a false sense of distance, making it easy to say things we wouldn’t in person. However, what you write online is permanent. Be as mindful of your digital communication as you are of your in-person conversations.

6. Avoid sweeping generalizations

Be careful when speaking about entire groups of people, such as racial groups, genders, or communities. Broad generalizations are often illogical and harmful. People within any large group are diverse, and painting them with a single brushstroke oversimplifies reality and can perpetuate stereotypes. Some Christians may be hypocritical, but that doesn’t make all Christians hypocrites. According to a 2023 survey by the Pew Research Center, only fifty percent of U.S. adults who identify as Christian say they attend religious services at least once a month — a reminder of how much diversity a single label can hide.

7. Practice wholesome speech with loved ones

The people closest to us — spouses, family, and friends — deserve our best communication. We often take advantage of their love and say things to them that we would never say to a stranger. These relationships are the most important, and they should be a safe space where kind and truthful communication is a priority.

8. Do not spread gossip

Don’t repeat gossip or slander, even if it seems like “common knowledge.” Participating in harmful conversation normalizes it and can contribute to a negative environment. Just because others are doing something doesn’t make it right. Instead of contributing to the problem, choose to be a part of the solution by refusing to pass along harmful information.

9. Do not share what others say about a person

If someone gossips to you about another person, do not relay that information to the person being discussed. Doing so can cause needless conflict and resentment. Instead, address the issue directly with the person who is gossiping. Let them know that you are not interested in participating in that kind of conversation.

10. Actively discourage malicious speech

Don’t just silently listen to malicious or harmful conversations. Allowing such talk to continue without resistance makes you complicit. It is important to actively stand up for what’s right. Politely but firmly discourage unhealthy speech and promote a culture where truth and kindness are valued.