Standalone Essays · Triad of Stewardship

Assertiveness: Finding My Voice in the Noise

What Assertiveness Really Means

Assertiveness is the practice of standing for truth; not with volume, but with grounded conviction. It is the middle path between two extremes:

Passivity: Which avoids conflict but allows resentment to fester.
Aggression: Which overrides others and builds walls.

True assertiveness is clarity with care. It is how we uphold justice without becoming unjust ourselves. Unspoken needs don’t vanish; they turn into poison that erodes trust. But when we name what is real, we create the only space where genuine change can happen. Like a “Sojourner” navigating a difficult landscape, the assertive person walks with one foot in courage and the other in compassion.

Assertiveness, Not Entitlement

There is a difference between standing up for yourself and simply being demanding. The difference between assertiveness and being an entitled “Karen” lies in the intention, tone, and motivation behind one’s actions and words.

Assertiveness stems from a place of self-confidence and conviction, with the goal of standing up for one’s rights or the rights of others in a fair and respectful manner. On the other hand, an entitled “Karen” often acts out of self-centeredness and a sense of entitlement, believing that their needs and desires are more important than those of others. An assertive person communicates their thoughts and opinions in a clear, direct, and respectful manner. In contrast, a “Karen” often adopts a condescending, aggressive, or disrespectful tone, belittling others and dismissing their viewpoints. The motivation behind assertive behavior is typically rooted in a desire for fairness, justice, or mutual understanding, while a “Karen” is primarily motivated by a sense of entitlement and a need for control, seeking to impose their will on others without regard for their well-being.

Learning to Speak Plainly

I used to wrap my truth in layers of cotton.

“Just wondering…”

“Maybe we could…”

“Sorry to bother you, but…”

I thought I was being kind, tactful, or modest. I wasn’t. I was performing a slow-motion self-erasure. Softening your words until they lose their edge doesn’t protect the listener; it only confuses the message. So, I began speaking plainly. Not harshly, but clearly:

The Boundary: “When meetings start late, I miss key updates. Let’s begin on time.”
The Correction: “I wasn’t finished. I’d like to complete my thought.”
The Call-out: “That comment felt dismissive. Can we pause and clarify the intent?”
The Capacity: “I am prioritizing Project A right now, so I cannot take on Project B. Thank you for respecting my limits.”

To my shock, the world didn’t end. People didn’t walk away. They adjusted. Sometimes they pushed back, and I adjusted too. But the heavy, suffocating silence never returned.

Building the Muscle

Many think assertiveness is a personality trait. It isn’t. It is a muscle that grows through use—especially when it trembles. I learned it in the “small” moments:

Saying “no” to an extra task without a paragraph of excuses.
Asking for credit when it was due.
Pausing a conversation to say, “I feel unheard. Can we slow down?”

I practiced in safe spaces—with trusted friends and in front of the mirror. I learned that courage is the decision that the truth matters more than my fear.

Reading Motive from the Outside

The principal difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness is motivation—but you can’t read another person’s mind, and as an autistic person I struggle with social cues. It can be challenging to discern another person’s motivations. However, there are some ways to distinguish between assertive and aggressive behavior based on observable factors rather than mind-reading.

Tone of voice: An assertive person usually speaks in a calm, confident, and respectful tone, while an aggressive person may raise their voice, interrupt others, or use a hostile tone.
Body language: Assertive neurotypical individuals usually maintain eye contact, but anyone can use open and relaxed body posture, and respect personal space. In contrast, aggressive people may exhibit clenched fists, invade personal space, or display threatening body language.
Choice of words: Assertive communication often includes “I” statements and focuses on expressing needs, feelings, and opinions without attacking or blaming others. Aggressive individuals might use “you” statements, make accusations, or use derogatory language.

When Raising Your Voice Is Justified

It is generally useless to raise your voice or to use rough language, but that does not preclude it entirely. While it is generally preferable to maintain a calm and respectful tone, there may be rare instances when raising your voice or using strong language could be appropriate—an emergency where you must warn someone of danger, self-defense, or the honest expression of strong emotion.

There is one more. To interrupt spiraling situations: sometimes a person is working themselves into a fit and it is useful to shout a brief “Hey!” to stop the rant. But then drop immediately into a calm, rational, quiet tone. Often it is enough to get the conversation back on track. If it isn’t, then two people continuously yelling at each other isn’t likely to produce anything useful. Just walk away.

Holding Conviction Without Arrogance

Assertiveness can seem to clash with the Sojourner commitments to humility and epistemic agnosticism, but balance reconciles them. Humility involves recognizing one’s limitations and being open to learning from others. An assertive person can still be humble by acknowledging that their understanding of the truth may be incomplete and that they are open to new information or perspectives. Assertiveness does not necessitate stubbornness or inflexibility. In the same way, assertiveness can be reconciled with epistemic agnosticism by recognizing that, while you may be confident in your beliefs or opinions based on available evidence, you must remain open to the possibility that new information could challenge or change your understanding. An assertive person who adheres to Sojourner philosophy would stand up for their beliefs and convictions while simultaneously acknowledging that they may not possess the absolute truth.

The danger cuts the other way too. Sometimes it is possible for a leader to be TOO humble. They might discourage people from addressing them by their title, demurring when they do so and giving them permission to use their given name. Some may not only allow others to take credit for work the leader has done, but may actually give the followers the credit in an attempt to help build up their leadership. Believing in distributed leadership, and hoping to encourage buy-in, the leader may spread their authority to others, who grow to feel entitled by their position when they were not actually earning the respect through hard work. Knowing allistic people like to talk and socialize, the leader might allow everyone some time in meetings to have their say. But as a result they can feel obligated to speak, even when they have nothing to say. And as the old saying goes, “in many words is much sin.” Embrace your role, reward genuine merit, and keep communication efficient; over-humility dilutes authority as surely as arrogance corrodes it.

The Ripple Effect

The most assertive people I’ve known aren’t the loudest. They were the ones who spoke only when necessary, whose words carry weight because they are rare and true. They don’t dominate the room—they hold it. In their presence, everyone else feels safer to speak, too.

That is the quiet power of speaking truth with purpose. It doesn’t just protect your boundaries; it invites others to discover theirs. Start small. Say what you mean, once. Then again. Let your voice be calm, clear, and kind—but never absent. Silence may feel safe, but it isn’t where change begins. Change begins here, in the choice to say: “This matters. And I’m going to say it anyway.”

Part of the Triad of Stewardship’s Standalone Essays. Companion pieces: Forgiveness and Its Limits (forthcoming) · The Mandates of Conflict · Criminal Justice.